Drinking for Scotland, legal drug dealers and our country’s shame

I gave up drinking for 31 days, once. Made a radio programme out of it. And then I went back to my Friday night red wine, my couple of whiskies a week, my beer and skittles. Without the skittles..

The occasional binge, too, in the sense of combining beer, wine and whisky in doses calculated to leave me slumped in an armchair, dribbling and snoring while Jools Holland once again elbows his mediocre piano into some hapless, desperate performer’s arrangement. Later. And later, and later, and later…

But in Caledonian terms, my binges do disservice to the word. I am, to put it mildly, a lightweight these days when it comes to booze. I hate, always hated being drunk, and now, when I find myself in social gatherings where alcohol is being taken, I usually safeguard my exit route before even beginning to imbibe. I ensure there’s a way home, or out, and when the boredom begins to seep through, when dehydration starts to sandpaper the thrapple, I make my excuses and leave. Or switch to Ribena.

I hang out with connoisseurs, sometimes. People who drink professionally, or who, to be more precise, describe whiskies for a living. Indeed, I have done this myself, though I always have to fight back the giggles, as there’s something essentially ridiculous about the striving to differentiate single malts, one from Glen t’other. Yes, they are different, but in the way grades of heroin and cocaine are different. The taste is not the point of whisky. It’s meant to do a job on you, enliven, inebriate, dull, destroy. Like Keith Richards’ obsessive hailing of Merck pharmaceutical ‘fluffy’ cocaine in his recent autobiography. Push comes to sniff, dirty lumps of Bolivian or Columbian crack or factory-made Swiss snow are drugs that deliver the same message to heart, brain and body. Whisky is a delivery vehicle for alcohol.

They are, for the most part, lovely folk, the dope dealers of the whisky trade. They are more than respectable, occasionally hilarious, often charming. It’s an area of Scottish life absolutely awash with money, and the marketing of uisge beatha has always been cutting edge, from the days of Tommy Dewar onwards. Doubtless he would have been happy to be called a brand ambassador. Maybe not an evangelist.

Whisky is now so suffused with lore, mythology tall tales, anal-retentive male compulsions and downright bullshit that you’d think it was some kind of art. It’s not. It’s a drug, disguised for its many niche and mass markets in the form of a social badge, a collector’s trophy, a mind-blowing display of wealth (silver, gold, platinum and diamonds encrusting a bottle? You got it) a signifier of coolness, of belonging.

Expertise has become the latest marketing tool. Whisky clubs and societies have sprung up worldwide, whisky festivals (I admit it. I participate. I talk phenols and oakiness, caramel and esters, washbacks and mash tuns. I judge whisky competitions, for goodness’ sake) see wise heads, young and old, slurping and nodding over rarities in hotel function suites. Notes are taken, words are slurred, stairs fallen down. A great deal of fun is had. Money changes hands. Lots and lots of money. Mantras? Excess is good. Greed is good. throw the cork away. Moderation is for sissies.

Elsewhere, the same companies slosh alcopops and factory-made sweet spirits into underage bellies. industrial scale drinking is encouraged at the annual alcofest-with-music that is Pee in the Dark, or T in the Park. Scotland goes out on a Friday and gets rat-arsed, crashes cars, kills pedestrians, freezes to death in a park. Slashes, burns, abuses, fights, smashes, damages. Does the same again on Saturday. Maybe a a few Smirnoff Ices on a Sunday to ease the way back into work on a Monday. Or just miss Monday out, why not? Internationally, countries in Africa, Asia and the Americas are targeted. Drink this, it’ll make you…richer, more attractive, it’ll make you belong. One glass makes you bigger, one glass make you small…

Hey, let’s not forget the weans. Foetal alcohol syndrome, anyone? Och, how can you have sex anyway if you aren’t pished? Brain damage. Shrinkage. Fits. The meaningless rubbish that’s sold only to mess you up, like Carlsberg Special, originally brewed specifically for Winston Churchill’s visit to Denmark after the war, now the tipple of choice for oblivion merchants everywhere.

Tomorrow, the Scottish Parliament will vote on party political lines and eradicate the proposed bill that would set a minimum price for alcohol in Scotland. Spurious arguments will be advanced that raising the price of a unit of rotgut cider will cause terrible damage to the economy, and won’t stop folk boozing unwisely anyway. Education is all. have a wee dram. Smell the history, the geography, the culture.

I don’t believe that for a moment. I am afraid that the drug dealers have once again flexed their considerable muscle and quashed the first serious attempt to tackle the shame that is Scotland’s relationship with alcohol. Gutless, ignorant, hidebound politicians have cowered before them.

So. That’s that, then. Might as well go out and get pished, eh? Just remember this salient fact: Two single malts: that’s enough to destroy your ability to appreciate their quality. After that, you might as well switch to Old Gumripper or Glen Haemorrhage. Slainte!

Seven distilleries. Scotland, England, Ireland (North and South), Wales. Eight days.

Well, that’s just about it. Seven distilleries – Highland Park, Pulteney, Bladnoch, Bushmills, Midleton, Penderyn, St Georges – in Orkney, Scotland, England, Wales, Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland, covered in eight days. Aboard two Triumph motorcycles.  Around 3700 miles covered. Seven bottles to add to the 50 or so collected by David Hayman and Vladimir MacTavish, and set to be auctioned for David’s Spirit Air charity in November.

I’m home now in Shetland, and Rob is back in Norfolk. The Triumphs are back with the Great Paul Wallace in Hinckley (no recriminations at all about the broken indicator and scraped paintwork on my one). We had a fantastic time at the Belladrum Festival, though that 630-odd mile hammer from Dereham in Norfolk to Drumnadrochit took its toll. It was freezing on the A9 at midnight.

Thanks a million to John Beach at the Fiddler’s in Drumnadrochit for his forbearance, kindness and fantastic hospitality, and to everyone there for the great food and coffee. Thanks to all the distilleries, to Triumph, to Irish Distillers for the Fota Island Spa and Resort (sorry about the mini bar) and to Jim, Alice and Stephen at Fairpley. A special huzzah to the Coton Morris Men for the welcome at St George’s. And our wives and families for putting up with all this.

I hate to say this, but next year, maybe Harleys in Kentucky….

Orkney to Bladnoch, another Hugh, and how getting lost is a good thing

Knackered in Bladnoch, after a superb haggis, neeps and tatties at the excellent Bladnoch Inn. An early night looms before heading to Stranraer tomorrow to catch the ferry for Belfast.

I just don’t have the energy to write our adventures up in detail: Hugh Kerr’s BMW suffering a mechanical breakdown between Wick and Scrabster, and subsequently Hugh abandoning the Scottish leg, much to his and our regret. The very odd West End Hotel in Kirkwall. The start of the Barnard Challenge proper, with the presentation by Highland Park brand amabassador Gerry Tosh of an extremely special bottle for future auction, and our departure (at 5.00am) from Kirkwall to catch the Stromness ferry south.

Yesterday was a hard day. While I headed to Inverness for my last live TM show of the trip, Rob went to Dalmore to collect both an auction bottle and samples for last night’s performance of the Malt and Barley Revue in Strathpefffer. Stephen from Fairpley picked us up from The Anderson in Fortrose and the gig, a house concert courtesy of the splendid Steve and Clancy Macdonald, went really well. Good crowd, old and new friends, and the three Dalmores we tasted, guided by Rob, were excellent. £240 raised as well. Bed at midnight, some 20 hours after getting up…

Today we were off the Black isle by 9.30am and heading for the Ralia Cafe on the A9 to meet regular TM Show listener Hugh Docherty on his Suzuki 1250 Bandit Grand Toursimo. Bad weather to Stirling, where we lunched al fresco in the rain. And then…

…Rob got lost. He took the M9 to Edinburgh before we could stop him (he was leading, it was a roundabout exit) , and Hugh and I headed for Glasgow on the M90. The rain came down in torrents, and Hugh decided to head for his sister’s in Kilmarnock. Rob texted to say he’d meet me at Bladnoch. I took the route through Ayr and Stranraer, he, satnav guided, went M74, Abington, Galloway Forest Route. And lo, Rob was there 45 minutes before me, which was just as well, as he was able to pick up the auction bottle form the distillery before it shut.

So there we are. Pictures include us at Scrabster, the excellent Anderson in Fortrose, Mr Hugh Docherty, and 5.00am in Stromness. Tomorrow, it’s Stranraer, and Ireland, and the great joy for me of seeing Sandy, Elaine andWee Dave.

Launch of the Barnard Challenge

Here’s me, Rob Allanson from Whisky Magazine and Vladimir McTavish (alias Paul Sneddon) at the launch today of The Barnard Challenge at the Scotch Whisky Experience in Edinburgh. The bike is a Triumph Speed Triple – me and Rob will be using identical models for our 2000 mile-plus trip. The whisky is part of the extraordinary collection of more than 3000 bottles held in Edinburgh.

Here’s the press release:
Biggest whisky pilgrimage will raise cash for film star’s charity

The Barnard Challenge 2010 – A comedian, a broadcaster, an actor, thousands of miles, millions of gallons of whisky. And all for charity.

PRESS LAUNCH: The Scotch Whisky Experience, 354 Castle Hill
Edinburgh EH1 2NE, Monday 21st June, 09.45.

It is 125 years since an eccentric traveller called Alfred Barnard set out to visit every distillery – 162 – in Scotland, England, Ireland and Wales. It took him three years to do it, and the result was the most important book every published about the water of life: The monumental Whisky Distilleries of Great Britain and Ireland.

Now an actor, a comedian, a journalist and a broadcaster will attempt to equal his feat – starting this June with visits to 50 of the distilleries currently operating (out of 106) including an epic motorcycle trip taking in the most northerly and southerly Scottish distilleries, along with one each in England, Ireland and Wales. The 2010 leg will conclude at the Tartan Heart Festival, Belladrum, near Beauly, followed by a charity auction of special whiskies, signed by all the participants, from each distillery visited.

It is the beginning of The Barnard Challenge, and the main beneficiary will be a charity set up and run by top Scottish actor David Hayman, Spirit Aid.

David is the star of TV’s Trial and Retribution, as well as many big screen epics such as The Jackal with Bruce Willis, and The Tailor of Panama, starring Pierce Brosnan. He is the operations director for Spirit Aid, which is dedicated to children whose lives have been devastated by war, genocide, poverty, abuse or lack of opportunity at home and abroad.

“I’m thrilled that a celebration of Scotland’s spirit will, appropriately, highlight the work of Spirit Aid, and the needs of children both here in Scotland and across the world,’ said Hayman. ‘I didn’t even like whisky until a couple of years ago, when I was given a masterclass in its wonders by the great Richard Paterson. Now, not only do I appreciate its greatness, but I love the fact that it illustrates the essence of Scotland – generosity, hospitality and conviviality.”

Paterson, master blender for distilling giant Whyte and Mackay, is a legend in the industry and among whisky lovers for his spectacular tasting sessions and passionate enthusiasm for whisky’s unique qualities. those attending a Paterson tasting are warned: “If he sees you drinking whisky too quickly, he’ll slap you. And if he sees you holding a tasting glass the wrong way, he’ll kill you.”wPaterson will be conducting a masterclass at Belladrum, along with the editor of Whisky Magazine, Rob Allanson, Stephen Rankin of distillers, blenders and bottlers Gordon and Macphail, and the writer and broadcaster Tom Morton.

“This is a dream come true for me ,” said Paterson. “Barnard is a crucial figure in the history of whisky and for many years I have longed to see his achievement celebrated properly. This is a fitting tribute to the man, his muse and his mission.”

Morton and Allanson will, in 10 days, use motorcycles to visit Scotland’s most northerly distillery, Highland Park in Orkney and the southernmost, Bladnoch in Wigtown. They will also go to the most northerly mainland distillery, Old Pulteney in Wick, as well as Bushmills in Antrim, Northern Ireland, Midleton in Cork, Republic of Ireland, Penderyn in Wales and St George’s in Norfolk, currently England’s only whisky producer.

Morton, BBC Radio Scotland’s weekday afternoon presenter, wrote the seminal whisky travelogue Spirit of Adventure in 1992, later made into an STV series.

“Rob and I will be covering over 2000 miles on motorcycles, so any drinking will have to be extremely moderate,” he said. “We aim to collect bottles from each distillery for auction, and I hope people will follow in our wheeltracks in later years – the Barnard Challenge is a continuing charity project and I’m hoping people will visit distilleries on pushbikes, on footm, on horseback, following Barnard, having fun, enjoying the occasional dram and raising money for Spirit Aid.”

And if all this wasn’t enough, step forward, Mr Valdimir MacTavish – or, to give him his Sunday name, Paul Sneddon. One of Scotland’s top comedians, Paul will be visiting up to 30 distilleries, some with David, and will use his experiences and some filming of the trip in his Edinburgh Festival Fringe Show An idiot’s Guide To Whisky. An hilariously sobering look at drink and its role in the Scottish psyche, the show will use a mixture of stand-up, stories, poetry and short film to look at the vital contribution drink has made to Caledonian culture. As Paul/Vladimir says: “No-one has ever been to a teetotal ceilidh. And no sober person could ever have invented the bagpipes.”

“It’s going to be a frantic period of activity,” said David Hayman, “and it works on several levels. The Barnard Challenge revives the story of the extraordinary man who was Alfred Barnard, draws attention to Scotland’s national drink, raises money for charity and offers anyone the chance to get involved by setting up their own mini – or maxi – Barnard Challenge. Nnext year It would be great to see dozens of folks involved, and dozens of means of transport.”

END

The Barnard Challenge, in partnership with Spirit Aid (http://www.spiritaid.org.uk), is supported by:

Scottish Ethical Events Ltd and Fairpley Ltd ( http://www.fairpley.com )
Triumph Motorcycles Ltd ( http://www.triumph.co.uk )
The Mediacroft ( http://www.mediacroft.eu )
Whyte and Mackay ( http://whyteandmackay.co.uk )
Gordon and MacPhail ( http://gordonandmacphail.com )
Belladrum Festival ( http://tartanheartfestival.co.uk )
Square Wheels Ltd ( http://squarewheels.cubecycles.co.uk/ )
Whisky Magazine (http://www.whiskymag.com)

The Scotch Whisky Experience (www.whisky-heritage.co.uk)

Additional Websites/Biographies/background:
The Barnard Challenge ( http://www.barnardchallenge.org )
Alfred Barnard on Wikipedia ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Barnard )
Vladimir MacTavish (aka Paul Sneddon) (http://www.comedycv.co.uk/paulsneddon/index.htm
Tom Morton on Wikipedia ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Morton )
Richard Paterson ( http://www.themasterblender.com/ )